Discover why you sabotage your potential for happiness, advises Pamela Stephenson Connolly
I'm back with someone with whom I previously had a three-year relationship. The sex was OK, but often drunken or drug-addled. (His problems contributed to the end of the relationship.) Three years ago I started seeing another man and we had an amazing sex life: completely uninhibited and fulfilling. I love my present partner but can't stop fantasising about the other guy. I feel like I'll never experience sex anywhere near as good. I don't really want sex with my present partner, or feel attracted to him. Our bodies don't work together and it leaves me feeling numb. I've tried being patient and showing him what to do. I should stop being selfish ? but it always feels like I'm shutting my eyes and thinking of England on the rare occasions that I "let" him have sex.
I'm wondering why you returned to someone to whom you're not attracted. There are a number of reasons why people sabotage their potential for happiness, and I recommend you get to the bottom of yours. Perhaps there are issues relating to your sense of self-worth that make it difficult for you to get your needs met, or to be with someone who can be a true partner.
Such circumstances sometimes stem from childhood problems. I suspect you may be an adult child of an alcoholic, or perhaps you had a parent who was unavailable, abusive or failed to support you in some important way, because as an adult you seem to need to be a caretaker rather than a lover. Our sexual choices are strongly influenced by our past experiences, and there are mechanisms in your psyche that prevent you from allowing yourself sexual pleasure or personal happiness. Seek some healing.
? Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
? Send your problem to private.lives@guardian.co.uk
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jan/27/dont-want-sex-with-partner
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